i am in agony at the prospect that there may be something in my relationship i can’t control, an unknown destined to destroy my very existence, and these things, these attachments, these simple human desires for honesty and transparency, the assurance that the things i have given myself to are true….they, or their lack thereof, is making me physically ill.
“The Gut never lies. It might give you severe anxiety, make you throw up, question your entire life, and cancel Christmas, but lie, it will not. Unless you feed it the whiskeys. Then, it will at least shut up for a second. But that’s only because it’s drowning, drunk, and probably wants sex.”
Sometimes it’s not in the winning or losing, as half the time the “perceived prize” in that moment we are fighting is really nothing of a prize at all. Sometimes it’s just something to make us reach, inside ourselves, outside our realm of experience, to see new ways of doing things, to improve our old ingrained patterns, to forge new territories, (as is often the “reason” for fighting and war to begin with, but…)
No…often the fight exists solely to to artfully create a new skill of substance of the soul, to finely tune that delicate dynamic of human interaction we sail through life on, to balance the temperatures of the life coursing through us…to give us more control, over our reactions, and perhaps even, our fate?
Sometimes you have to fight, just to learn the art of war, because someday, like it or not, you may find yourself alone in the battlezone.
And someday, maybe, just maybe, the prize is something worth fighting for.
My old roommate used to say, “it’s not a competition, even if you’re winning.” Sometimes it’s okay to win, even if you’re not competing, or even if the only person you are competing with is a previous version of yourself.
Maybe at the end of the day, the prize is just you.
A wonderfully skilled, beautifully packaged, artfully mastered,
Don’t retaliate, meditate.
I literally canceled Easter plans and sat home alone, in silence, for hours. My action of inaction did wonders. It let time pass. It let my thoughts settle and balance. It let the universe have a moment to work things out for me.
If you need to, drink the whiskeys.
It may sound like bad advice, but sometimes our emotions are so loud our soul can’t be heard, it can only feel the pain of emotional noise pollution. Adding insult to injury by polluting your body further isn’t always the physically healthiest answer and certainly is no long term solution.
HOWEVER, sometimes, a couple shots of good old bourbon whiskey, straight up, is enough to cool your jets enough to see where the heck you are about to crash. Then a few more usually lets you take the flying leap into that place. But the point is, if you’re upset, do whatever it is that calms YOU, and takes you out of the situation temporarily to give yourself time to chill out and get some different perspective. Obviously if you are reading this and you are twelve or Muslim, find something else besides whiskey. Like running, or yoga, or getting tattoos with your mothers permission, or whatever.
Do not react!
If you are a woman, you have female hormones. If you have female hormones, you are crazy. Yes, you. YOU are crazy, don’t try to deny it, just get over it and take your monthly crazy pills. Or don’t, and be like me, and let your hormones run naturally through your body aka course through your crazy brain and make you certifiably bonkers for one week a month.
Either way, sometimes, if something happens during one of these delicate moments, you are going to have crazy thoughts, like “I wonder if I can fit all my belongings in my car and just drive to my grandmothers house and live on a farm for the rest of my life picking apples,” or, “maybe I will punch this girl my boyfriend is looking at,” or “maybe I will fuck this girl my boyfriend is looking at, punch my boyfriend, and she and I will pick apples together.”
Whatever your crazy thoughts are, you put a smile on that face and you say “hi sweetheart!” It is up to your face and your upbringing to get you through these times. We all pretended to be “good girls” growing up and that’s what you do. You shut the hell up, you put a smile on your face, and you say you wanna go work on your essay on world peace before you kiss him on the face and go get those whiskeys.
Remember, your brain is certifiably insane, and should not be allowed to speak, during these times.
“God made you smart and with lots of opportunities for all kinds of human interaction and lessons…for women especially, who have been oppressed for thousands of years…so you can use your experience and knowledge to break through the patterns of old, and pave a way for the Goddess to emerge…”
“in writing you access your highest self.”
“No long war ever profited any country: 100 victories in 100 battles is simply ridiculous. Anyone who excels in defeating his enemies triumphs before his enemy’s threats become real.” -The Art Of War