Here I sit, finding myself chasing inspiration rather than clinging to the prospect of love.
Abi Torabi is a Tasmanian Devil, very much like myself at exactly his age. Always the one warning people, always the upper hand…seemingly sincere, loving, but well aware that no one should fall in love with me, and that no suitor had what it would take to tame this beast. I told him today he provides me the rare opportunity to view elements of my psyche, mirrored and magnified, that I otherwise have not had the chance to experience from this angle. In some odd way, it’s exhilarating to see things full circle, from all angles, to have a round perspective in the dynamics that play a part of this cycle of life. Like a moth to a flame, when I find someone doing it better than I am, I am compelled to follow, watch, and learn. And the older I get, the more I know just exactly what it is I am watching. The take it or leave it honesty is what I have always adhered to and what fascinates me about the situation the most. What is it that makes people like Abi Torabi say “I will make you feel good, and make you feel like shit, but no matter what, you will be interested, at least.”
I see a compulsive loneliness in the excess of super social behavior. I see a person who faces life and faces what he is, unapologetically. I think of myself at 25, telling the boys, “I’m just telling you now, I will never be your girlfriend.” No one, especially girlfriends, could understand that- dating without a label, doing whatever I want, living the way “guys” do. If I were a man, I’d be a womanizer. The seductive ambiguity here is the innate fraternal twin of this detachment, the ability to fall madly, passionately, sickly in love.
Today I think I made Jonathon go from believing I was the mother of his children after 2 weeks of dating, to perhaps hating my guts. Abi Torabi did the same thing to me, intentionally I believe, the last time I saw him.
First, the narcissist feasts his or her eyes on something he wants. It is pretty. It is beautiful. It will taste good. I want to eat it. Mmm….
Then it remembers we are no longer Neanderthals, that the beautiful thing cannot be clubbed and acquired, that said thing has a choice, and for caveman to eat, he now must be chosen. And so the dazzling begins.
This is easy for our subject, because he is, in fact, no caveman. He (or she) has taken great pains, in fact, to be one of the most interesting people you will ever meet. This is an evolutionary trait he has learned over time as to ensure a never ending source of food. He will never be dull. You will always be interested. You will always choose him, when given the choice.
Ahhh, and then we eat. How delicious, how timeless the experience.
Then comes day. Time re-enters. Time holds more promises, another adventure, something better. This is when the narcissist lets you know, you are delicious, but he is an omnivore, and no matter how juicy your berries, he was created to have it all.
And so it goes….the guilty irony of excess… ”how you s’posed to find the one when anyone will come wit u” (-Drake.)
To the rockstars of the world, the “Abi Torabis” and the George Clooneys, it’s like finding a needle in a haystack, and you’re not quite sure finding the needle is better than floating through the haystack, at all.
The beautiful thing about these creatures is that they understand how to be in the moment. In this moment, you are the only one. In this moment, you are the most desired. In this moment, you are delicious. But do not ask for more than all you could want in this moment.
Robert Greene may be right. People want to be seduced. As he says in 48 Laws of Power, “Life is so harsh and distressing that people who can manufacture romance or conjure up fantasy are like oases in the desert: Everyone flocks to them. There is great power in tapping into the fantasies of the masses.”
The truth is, everyone loves a good seduction.