This place is leaving me. Or rather, I am leaving it. It’s not just this place. It’s everything this place represents. It’s the life I found on my own. It’s the life I loved alone. It’s the chapter in this book where I found the most important thing…myself. It’s the life I was allowed to live carefree and in my own bliss, prison, or whatever else I chose to create. “The Gift From The Sea…” This is where I was an island. But no man is truly an island forever.
The sunshine brought me here. Love brought me here. And Aloneness kept me. I said I needed to “embrace my aloneness,” and I did. I found myself alone, in thousands of people, standing in front of Phoenix at Outside Lands in San Francisco, the first cross country trip I made all on my lonesome, in front of all the bands that made me feel something enough to leave in the first place, alone, amongst thousands of people, completely…happy. That moment I found that thing that makes us “grown ups,” that contentment, with my own company. I knew that moment meant a prelude to the next, which was contentment with another, but I never suspected the departure from this time and chapter to feel like this, to be painful, to be sad, to be bittersweet, along with the excitement of the circumstance that changes things…
I woke up in tears this morning. Sometimes tears catch me like that…those sneaky bastards…the ones I decide to ignore in my waking life as not to ruin the makeup or the scenery…they find their way to my face in the morning, and dance on my pillow without an audience. These little bitches found me today…though I shouldn’t call them bitches. I should embrace them like everything else. They are here to heal me, to help me move from where I am to where I need to be, whole. But today they were a surprise, I wasn’t sure why there were there at first in the waking confusion of my day is starting I haven’t opened my eyes yet wait am I crying?
I felt all of the things.
I felt the loves I had learned from and let go. I felt their lessons. I felt the morning runs on the beach with Beary, so happy. I felt the sunshine on my face and the sand in my toes and the days unknowns in front of me. I felt the carefree nights on the dock and the freedom and the giggles. I felt all the love I had found.
Four years, I have been on this island. Most of them were carefree, blissful…the later years of schooling had more trials, but at the end of the day…at the beginning of this one…it is time for me to graduate to the next phase. My school of self now has a mirror. Another life has hijacked mine and now we are blending together, like two galaxies playing the game they play before they become one…they both have to say goodbye to their own domain to become bigger, more powerful, one greater galaxy…and we are just a reflection of these stellar happenings.
We are made of Stardust, after all.